Feeling defeated

Do you ever just have one of those days when nothing seems to go right? Yesterday was definitely one of those for me. Lately, things at work have been getting rough. We are feeling the effects of the economy, the decrease in healthcare funding, etc. and the hospital is cutting our hours. It's not just one department, it's all over the hospital. They have been having a fair system of sending us all home so that each person is equally having their hours cut, and yesterday, it was my turn. So, I left work and was excited to get the kiddos a little earlier. I ran a few errands first, then went to get them earlier than usual.

I walked in to Alli's room, and like I've seen several times, there was a big bag with her name on it... with her sheet, blanket, underwear and pants. This has become a common problem that she has an accident during naptime. She wears a pull-up at home at night still, but we really don't want to go backward and send a pull-up with her to school... she's never worn one during naptime at home. But anyway... it's just exhausting to have to do laundry each night when we get home. So, that was frustrating. Then, we walked down to get Aiden, who was sitting up in the middle of the room with his teachers, playing, but looking exhausted. They said he had only slept an hour in the morning and maybe 45 minutes in the afternoon, and had been up since 2pm. Great. I can see a tired, fussy baby in my near future. As we're walking out to the car, I am holding Aiden, have his bag of bottles, her bag of dirty laundry, and trying to direct her to keep walking... and the door slams closed, knocking Alli on her butt. Awesome, so here come the tears. I told her it was an accident, we got to the car, and she was still in tears. People probably thought I was stealing her, the way she was carrying on. In the meantime, Aiden was happy... but only because he had my car keys in his mouth. Real sanitary I'm sure, but he was happy, so I was too. To keep Alli happy, I gave her a fudge animal cracker and she was great. I stole the keys from Aiden so I could get going home... and then his tears started. Goodness, someone help me.

We got home, I got them out of the car, and proceeded to bring in my bags of things, which usually takes me about 3 trips... my pumping bag, the bag of bottles, the bag of Alli's laundry, the few groceries I'd picked up, and then, finally, the kids. I've learned that I have to close the garage door as soon as I pull in, or our trusty, loving golden retriever takes off and runs away. Awesome. Anyway, I get everyone and everything inside, and I see Alli's face and hands are covered in melted pink animal cracker that she never ate, she just held on to and licked until it basically melted. So, I tried taking it away and oh.my.gosh, turn on the waterworks. I sat Aiden down in front of some of his favorite toys, and he just started wailing. So here they are, both sobbing, I'm still in my scrubs and want to change clothes, the dog wants to go out, the bottles need cleaned, the breastmilk needs to get in the fridge, the groceries need put away, Alli needs cleaned off, Aiden probably just "needs" held, dinner needs started (if I were a good wife :( ugh) and I just need a hug.

This pattern of wailing over nothing important continued on until Eric got home. He walked in to a scene of chaos... Aiden crying while eating (? I think he was just overly exhausted), Alli crying in time out because she had thrown her cup, spoon, and placemat at me, and me crying with joy to see Eric's face. Alli's pattern of bad attitude, bad behavior, and just plain being two was in full force. She spent more time in the time out corner than doing anything else. Aiden was only content if someone was walking him (holding his hands and letting him walk around the living room). He is so happy to be doing this, but that sure makes your back ache. Finally, at the stroke of 6, we took them up for bathtime. Aiden cried the whole time (he's usually pretty happy about it, but like I said, I think he was overly exhausted), and Alli thought it was time to play on Scarlett's dog bed. I firmly told her it was time for a bath, she said her usually "no, mommy no!", and proceeded to flop herself on the ground. So, I picked her up and put her in the tub. There was a lot of tears, fighting, me losing it, etc. I had honestly given myself the worst headache just from yelling. I was so frustrated with her, with myself, with everything.

Finally, Eric took over, and I took Aiden in to feed him. He did great, which was a pleasant surprise because lately, he has wanted nothing to do with sitting still and eating... he just wants to be up exploring. I could hear Eric talking softly with Alli, relaxing her, and trying to talk her into putting her PJ's on, having her vitamin, brushing her teeth, etc. All the normal routine we do every night, but she was very resistant. After much coaxing, a longer than usual bedtime routine, and lots of tears, she fell asleep. We literally just hugged each other at 7:45 when the house was quiet, after a good 20 minutes of "moooooommmmmmy! daddddddy!" cries from her room.

So, at 7:45, now it's finally time to make dinner, wash bottles, take a shower myself, pump, wash dishes after dinner, Eric making his lunch, get their clothes out for tomorrow, finish that laundry, re-stock Alli's spare clothes for school, and hope to be in bed by 9 so I can get a whole 7 hours of sleep before waking up at 4am for work. The 9pm bedtime thing rarely happens, but I can always dream.

Sometimes, I feel like I have the worst kids ever. Or that I'm the worst mom ever. Why does it feel like that sometimes? I feel like I never hear about anyone else's kids being holy terrors. Am I the only one? Am I the only one that doesn't know if I'm doing anything right, or everything wrong? I just want to know I'm not the only one, and that this too shall pass.